MLB Star Power Index: Listen to the almighty crack of Shohei Ohtani’s bat; Wrigley Field Seagull grabs a slice

Welcome to MLB Star Power Index – a weekly endeavor that establishes with terrible authority which players dominate the sport’s current zeitgeist, at least in the narrow-minded perception of this miserable writer. While presence on this list is often celebratory, it can also be for the purpose of lamentation or mockery. The players listed are in no particular order, just like the phone book. To this week’s honorees…

A seagull at Wrigley Field

Hills get shaken — For a ground-nesting winged carnivore who’d like to see some baseball:

No, the curated image above is not from last week, but as always, this space prioritizes the cherished practice of increasing word count to the minimum acceptable threshold versus freshness, relevance, or even coherence.

As for the ring-billed gull above, eyes on the sky that betrayed him, such a beast – Larus delawarensis, You will agree is not an uncommon place in Wrigley Field and the surrounding area. When they are not seen scouring the shores of Lake Michigan for floating carrion, they can be seen cracking open the shells of quagga clams, firing them at luxury cars or shitting on unfortunate children from high above. All this, of course, is the merit of the seagulls.

And that particular seagull? Like us, he just wants to watch some baseball. Yes, he’s aware of the neat reasons for not playing This, Our Baseball in the middle of a deluge — that the infield and hill would turn to putrid pudding, that hill people would lose the ball, that flycatchers wouldn’t be able to get around tracking baseballs hit because of raindrops on eyeballs. He knows the whimpering excuses, and he finds them wanting.

Now let’s revise our assumptions. He looks up, yes, but maybe not like the supplicant. Perhaps humble supplication is not his motivation. Yes, he is caught in the image above praying to Krakomaximus, the seagull god of the weather, but he is not asking for anything or praising him. Sometimes, under the weight of mounting humiliations, the earthling does not make polite entreaties to the competent god, but informs that god in the most mundane terms how things will be from now on.

His anger at people, her weakness in the face of small drops of water, and her gentle refusal to feed him baseballs enliven him. “Oh, righteous, heaven-borne Krakomaximus,” he croaks through his long beak and gaping jaws. “The !@#$ is the !%&$? It’s rain, not lava. I have cousins ​​on the Atlantic coast of Uruguay – olrogs seagulls, eh Larus Atlanticus – Who drinks sea water and these meeblings can’t play under a refreshing spring rain?

“Righteous and mighty Krakomaximus, I demand – demand, not ask – that you give me baseball on the fly. I’m just a seagull getting lost in the stinking parade of people you see around you. I steal their candy bars. They steal my essence, my will. Baseball is my reward, and they’re refusing to give it to me because of… this.

High in the firmament, Krakomaximus was awakened from a deep sleep by this fervent plea.

“I don’t want to do all that. How about a slice of hot pizza instead?” he said to the seagull.

“Yes,” said the gull. “That will be fine.”

“Here then”:

“Krakomaximus, thank you,” said our seagull. “Thanks for the hot piece. And pshaw for choosing Cubs baseball over a hot cheesy hunk in 2022.”

Shohei Ohtani, Angel

The consensus is that the largest single case of audio recordings in baseball history occurred in 2013, when the Phillies’ Domonic Brown smashed a punch into the wall in Arizona — a portion of the wall that appears to have been spring-loaded for use in a Looney Tunes vehicle. Please note:

Yes, good sound. Good sound indeed. Big audio dynamite. Anyway, that brings us to Angel’s two-way thunderbolt Shohei Ohtani. He recently attacked an incoming pitch for a home run that left the bat at 118 mph — peak stats for his career — and it sounded a lot like it. Please bear witness to power swiftly followed by glory:

That sound? Is it Zeus himself at Top Golf? Is it an active volcano sinking the eight in Black Dragon Billiards? Yes, it’s those things, but it’s also Shohei Ohtani with the first and last gunshot of a war he didn’t even know he was fighting (he won). It has a different timbre than Dom Brown slamming you off the Boingy Boing wall in Phoenix, but different doesn’t mean less. Is it still better? Put it in the baseball sounds canon and discard it later. Alternatively, you can ask the newly awakened dead what they think of the sound that just woke them.

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